Saturday, January 24, 2009

I'm trying to turn my depression into joy..but it's hard...especially when your love sick

I'm so lovesick I think I'm going to cry. I know I'm not good enough for any boy because I've tried to hard for my whole life and have never been successful. Is something wrong with me? My whole life I have been a hopeless romantic and my whole life I've dreamed about my future husband. I always wondered when he would come. Yea, everyone says that God will send the perfect man for you, God has everything planned out. I'm sure he does have everything planned out, but still I'm getting impatient. Right now is the time I need love the most, because depression is suffocating me to death. I need to get out of my home, out of this state, I need to make a fresh start, I need to escape. You know when your listening to your music in the car, and while looking out the window your imagination starts up? My imagination is my best friend because it always comes up when I need it. It turns bad things into funny things and it really helps. I wonder if my birth mom was like that. That's one reason why I wanna see my mom so bad, so that I can see how much we have in common...And I want to meet my birth dad too. Me and my dad right now don't have a strong relationship right now, and I don't want a Strong relationship with him either. I think I could have a stronger relationship with my birth dad...I don't know why, maybe because were actually related, or something like that. I don't know how to explain the feeling I have when I'm around my dad now, but I don't like it. It's a mix of violation/hatred, something like that. I don't know why I feel violated when I'm around him, I just...well...I feel so uncomfortable around him. Theres nothing in my mind that can change that, theres no voice that tells me that's bad, theres no affection at all with him. And for some reason i don't want any either. But...I also want to meet my real sister. I've always wanted an older sister that actually pays attention to me. My sister now is ok, but I can see that she's uncomfortable around me for some reason. It really hurts me, because as much as I want an older sister I can look up to, she's really a letdown. She's just made too many mistakes in her life for anyone to trust her I guess. But I would trust her, so why doesn't she at least respect me for that? Did I do something wrong, maybe when I was small? I don't know...
But anyways...I should probably close up because I have to get my shower...tomorrow I have church and I can't wait to see my new guy friend, Brock! He's such a sweetie and I can tell that he likes me allot too. I also have a friend named Noah and another named James...they've been helping me allot with my depression. Also one of my guy friends knows that I cut because he saw my arms and he's trying to help me get though all of that. They all care about me, and that's what I need.
Oh and by the way:
A best friend is someone who screams to you in the hallway saying,"I LOVE YOU,"not caring if anyone thinks they'rea lesbian, only caring that you hear them EVERY TIME.
LOL got that from a friend, see ya.


Blogger Jillian said...

Okay, I somewhat get it. My Dad and I are really close, but mostly bc we share a lot in common. I don't know if genes has anything to do with it. I know if I was in your shoes, I'd dream up a thousand possiblities. One of my bff's has an older brother that her Mom and Dad had in H.S. But they gave him up for adoption, but when he was 18 he found them, and now he is really in my friends life, and they are friends. And he has a kid, and my friends parents are such happy grandparents, even tho they are still in they're 40's.
( I think it's amazing that they got married, without the baby involved)
So there is happy endings.
I miss my guy friends from church so much!

January 24, 2009 at 7:28 PM  
Blogger James said...

I can understand what you mean. i am adopted too, and I understand. I love my mom and dad, but something in the back of my head is saying, come on James, you know you want to meet your birth parents. Also, with the cutting I am here WHENEVER you need to talk. I mean it. Also, I do like cheese, and a little bit is about your last post. You need to understand some people don't believe in god. That some people are agnostic, or atheist, or just not religious. There is no problem with being different, but understand they have their reasons for not believing in god just as much as you have your reasons for believing in him. Also, you will find love, have love, have a relationship, when the time is right. I know it feels bad, but just realize that nobody is realizing how special you are right now and someone will. I think that if you asked your sister, confront her about it, I think you would be surprised to get an answer. Also, your dad, I think there is no problem hating your dad, but I think you should understand that. Also, anxiety and depression not a good mix. Anything else, hmm, o yea! Be grateful for those few friends that you have, like me I had no friends during my 7th grade year. I think if you want to try high school, go for it. If you don't don't its your choice. O I do like cheese, and I have never gone out with anyone. ^_^

January 24, 2009 at 8:46 PM  
Blogger Mayaa :) said...

Keep working on the depression to joy thing. You'll get there.
You just have to forget about all the bad stuff and deliberately look for the good things.
For Example: You miss the bus and have to walk to school. You are very annoyed. Look on the bright side, walking is better for you.

January 25, 2009 at 4:21 AM  
Blogger Jared said...

Maybe your dad jus has a bad aura or something...And I think it's great that you've made other guy friends instead of just imaginary-me...

January 25, 2009 at 6:11 AM  
Blogger ChipotleChick said...

Girly, i can tell from the passion in your writing, the way you infuse even the darkest corner of your mind with humor, and from you honesty that you are good enough for any boy you want. You are trying to be happy, despite how hard it can be, you have a talent for writing, you connect with the readers, you deserve the guy of your dreams and i have no doubt he will come if you haven't already met him. and you will be the girl of his dreams. But until then, be happy with the friends you have, with the people who love you, with your talent for writing and with your own awesome mind.

and remember, guys are only good for one things, and who needs to parallel park that much anyways?

haha sorry, i got that from a coffee mug a Hallmark.

I hope you get to meet your birth parents one day.

I'm sorry your dad and your sister don't have a strong bond with you. You can't force your feelings to do what you want all the time, so all you can do is hang on to those special moments that happen between them and find comfort in who you are and in your fantastic friends! And when all else fails, laugh, for nature has no quicker healer than a good laugh.

O! and i'm just a random person randomly commenting on your blog, giving my unwanted advice and being over all useless. Hope you don't mind!

Love ya in a non-sexual way!

(hehehe sorry about that, it's just what my friends and i say to each other cause it annoyes other people.)

January 25, 2009 at 2:03 PM  
Blogger aivilo relluf said...

Thanks a heap for the comment :). I'm sorry you're feeling sad lately, but I'm sure things will turn around in time. Love sneaks up on you, so just be patient. I hope you get to meet and connect with your birth parents soon.

January 26, 2009 at 1:17 PM  
Blogger sugar said...

omg you should follow my blog!

January 27, 2009 at 3:53 PM  
Blogger Tunafish said...

I know this sounds weird coming from a guy but just wait for the right guy to come to you, lead by GOD. I agree with ChipotleChick, you are talented and will be happy with whomever GOD has for you. Just be patient. I don't know what to tell you about your dad but I guess do your best to love him. He cared enough to take you in so he must love you to some extent. As for siblings, befriend a sister in Christ. Although the love between you two might not be the strongest, we all love each other through Jesus and should have a strong bond with each other because of that. So in that way, I love you! :D

April 13, 2009 at 7:23 AM  

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