Wednesday, February 11, 2009

................ARGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!..............

Hey guys...right now my depression is TERRIBLE. I feel angry and just terrible...I want to be more beautiful and I just want to live like I used to when I barely knew what depression was. And my mom is annoying me to death I just wanna throw a pie at her face!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!....And I've been eating ALLOT and I do that when I'm stressed and I absolutely HATE that. Right now I feel emo and mean and stupid and ugly and weird and just messed up. I've even been crying myself to sleep. I hate it. I hate all of this. This could be easily compared to hell. Well, maybe. I'm falling inside the darkness. That's a quote from a singer I like called Kerli Koiv...she's really cool, but she doesn't act as godly as she should...everyone thinks she's a Christian, and maybe she is, I don't know. I also like Skillet and Three Days Grace. They are Rock/Punk/Heavy metal..They are really cool. Hey, and you know what? Listening to music can change my mood. I can get constant mood swings by just listening to the radio. That's why I don't listen to the radio that much, because the songs remind me of difficult things and it makes me depressed. It's so annoying, because I don't feel normal when I have to AVOID the radio. Ugh my eyes are watering up right now just thinking about all of this stuff...Does everyone have this? Does every teenager go through this depression crap? I HATE IT!!! I'm NEVER HAPPY ANYMORE!!!! I just want to scream so badly, but no one will let me!!! I feel like I'm in THIS STUPID LITTLE BUBBLE!!!!! And it won't let me GO!!!! I'm so angry I want to hurt someone. And I hate hurting people. But I think I hurt EVERYONE when I'm like this, but I can't help it!! I hate that I have all this anxiety, because I'm afraid that one day when I tell my mom that I have anxiety, she won't believe me because it's been happening so long!!!! She doesn't even believe that I really have depression, but she has no idea was kind of hell I've been going through for the past through months. I AM NOT OVER EXAGGERATING. I am dead serious. I had to stop myself from going down stares, pulling out a freakin knife, and jabbing myself with it. I'm so sorry that you all have to hear this...I'm being so selfish putting this out here and probably scaring you guys, And if you don't want to talk to me that's fine. I'm even scaring myself. I know this isn't how God wants me to feel, and if He's trying to teach me something, then I'll learn it. I'll do ANYTHING for Him. I have definitely grown stronger in Him with all of this anxiety stuff. When I think of Him I feel affection. I know He cares for me, even though it feels like He doesn't sometimes. I try and act happy around everyone so they won't be affected, but it's hard. I try to act silly so I feel better, but it doesn't work anymore. It's scary, and I feel so alone. I HATE the word alone. It's so scary................Ugh bed time.
Later...

_Handprint_

3 Comments:

Blogger Sherry said...

I have no doubt that you are depressed, because I've been there and it is not a good place to be. But it will pass as long as you want to get better.
Beauty is on the inside, not found in a mirror. Name one beautiful person who also thinks she/he is beautiful and then tell me if you really like that person?
Oh, and if I'm going to be getting pie in my face... could you make it apple? Luv Ya

February 11, 2009 at 8:57 PM  
Blogger Jillian Christine said...

Hey, If you need to email me or anything, I'm here.
And I'm praying for you. And that rain stuff is really distracting me when I read your blog. Uber much so.
Cry to Jesus Callie, he is always there for you, no matter what.
I Love you, God does too.
You will get through this yet. Just Believe.

Bye Girl,
Jillian

February 11, 2009 at 9:06 PM  
Blogger Tunafish said...

I kinda have this problem. I mean I'm not quite as worried about my appearance seeing (no pun intended) as I'm a boy, but I seem to be bored all the time. But I definitely know that I need GOD to help me. Without Him I can do nothing. Currently I'm most angered by when I keep messing up in life and no one pays attention to me. I mean they just expect me to cry a river of tears, build a bridge and get over it. Seriously, I've had some girls say that to me. Uhh, the teen years can be so annoying but I know that when I'm, idk, 40/50, I'll wish that I was still a teen. I'm just going to try to live my life, all out for GOD, and to enjoy along the way. GOD let us live ultimately, so we would praise Him but also to delight in Him and enjoy the things that He has blessed us with. I have to depend on Him for my strength and it's very hard sometimes but He loves me and I know that He'll never stop. Hope that the 'roller coaster' of life's emotions gives you a break. :)

April 11, 2009 at 10:07 AM  

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