Did cutting really help me? Or was it just a way of venting?.......I like pie....

Yea, I asked myself that question last night...cutting is seriously addictive...WOW it's snowing so much in Indiana...HAHA me and my brother ate snow yesterday we had to go to the bathroom so bad after eating about 2 pounds of snow LOL. Hey and just wondering, do any of you feel like you just have to keep believing in something no matter how many times someone tells you to give up? That's me...I really want to find my birth mom, and I'm old enough I AM. But I don't think I'm ready to meet my birth dad though. I hope their still living in Indiana. I know I talk about them allot, but their just always on my mind. Hey and you know what emo is? LOL it's allot less dark then goth, it's much more Harry Potter. I got that from a friend. You guys have to read this!_A REAL BOYFRIEND_When she walks away from you mad - [Follow her]When she stares at your lips - [Kiss her]When she pushes you or hits you - [Grab her and don’t let go]When she starts cursing at you - [Kiss her and tell her you love her]When she's quiet - [Ask her what’s wrong]When she ignores you - [Give her your attention]When she pulls away - [Pull her back]When you see her at her worst - [Tell her she's beautiful]When you see her start crying - [Just hold her and don’t say a word]When you see her walking - [Sneak up and hug her waist from behind]When she's scared - [Protect her]When she lays her head on your shoulder - [Tilt her head up and kiss her]When she steals your favorite hat - [Let her keep it and sleep with it for a night]When she teases you - [Tease her back and make her laugh]When she doesn’t answer for a long time - [reassure her that everything is okay]When she looks at you with doubt - [Back yourself up with the TRUTH]When she says that she likes you - [she really does more than you could understand]When she grabs at your hands - [Hold hers and play with her fingers]When she bumps into you - [bump into her back and make her laugh]When she tells you a secret - [keep it safe and untold]When she looks at you in your eyes - [don’t look away until she does]WHEN SHE MISSES YOU - [SHES HURTING INSIDE]When you break her heart - [the pain NEVER EVER really goes away]When she says its over - [she STILL wants you to be hers]- Stay on the phone with her even if she’s not saying anything- DON'T let her have the last word- NEVER call her hot! Pretty and beautiful is sooooo much better!- Say you love her more than she could ever love you (mean it)- Argue that she is the best girl ever (mean it)- When she says she's OK don’t believe it, talk with her- When she says she's sorry, she truly means it- Because 10 yrs later she'll remember you- Call her at 12:00am on her birthday to tell her you love her- Call her before you sleep and after you wake up- Treat her like she's all that matters to you- Tease her and let her tease you back- Stay up all night with her when she's sick- Watch her favorite movie with her or her favorite show even if you think its stupid- Give her the world- Let her wear your clothes- When she's bored and sad, hang out with her- Let her know she's important- Kiss her in the pouring rain&& When she runs up at you crying, the first thing you say is;"Who's butt am I kicking today baby?"
That is so sweet, I can even describe it LOL. That's the kind of boyfriend I want...and I also want him to be emo LOL.

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I'm trying to turn my depression into joy..but it's hard...especially when your love sick

I'm so lovesick I think I'm going to cry. I know I'm not good enough for any boy because I've tried to hard for my whole life and have never been successful. Is something wrong with me? My whole life I have been a hopeless romantic and my whole life I've dreamed about my future husband. I always wondered when he would come. Yea, everyone says that God will send the perfect man for you, God has everything planned out. I'm sure he does have everything planned out, but still I'm getting impatient. Right now is the time I need love the most, because depression is suffocating me to death. I need to get out of my home, out of this state, I need to make a fresh start, I need to escape. You know when your listening to your music in the car, and while looking out the window your imagination starts up? My imagination is my best friend because it always comes up when I need it. It turns bad things into funny things and it really helps. I wonder if my birth mom was like that. That's one reason why I wanna see my mom so bad, so that I can see how much we have in common...And I want to meet my birth dad too. Me and my dad right now don't have a strong relationship right now, and I don't want a Strong relationship with him either. I think I could have a stronger relationship with my birth dad...I don't know why, maybe because were actually related, or something like that. I don't know how to explain the feeling I have when I'm around my dad now, but I don't like it. It's a mix of violation/hatred, something like that. I don't know why I feel violated when I'm around him, I just...well...I feel so uncomfortable around him. Theres nothing in my mind that can change that, theres no voice that tells me that's bad, theres no affection at all with him. And for some reason i don't want any either. But...I also want to meet my real sister. I've always wanted an older sister that actually pays attention to me. My sister now is ok, but I can see that she's uncomfortable around me for some reason. It really hurts me, because as much as I want an older sister I can look up to, she's really a letdown. She's just made too many mistakes in her life for anyone to trust her I guess. But I would trust her, so why doesn't she at least respect me for that? Did I do something wrong, maybe when I was small? I don't know...

But anyways...I should probably close up because I have to get my shower...tomorrow I have church and I can't wait to see my new guy friend, Brock! He's such a sweetie and I can tell that he likes me allot too. I also have a friend named Noah and another named James...they've been helping me allot with my depression. Also one of my guy friends knows that I cut because he saw my arms and he's trying to help me get though all of that. They all care about me, and that's what I need.

^_^

Oh and by the way:

A best friend is someone who screams to you in the hallway saying,"I LOVE YOU,"not caring if anyone thinks they'rea lesbian, only caring that you hear them EVERY TIME.

LOL got that from a friend, see ya.

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This is an email I sent to some of my friends...I decided to make it a post..

Sorry. But I think this message is going to be long. But I seriously need to vent. I feel like I wanna hurt myself, and I don't even know why. Do you ever feel like no one is there, and your all alone and no one can help you? Well that's how I feel right now. I'm going insane! Like usually, I NEVER capitalize things when I'm writing emails, but here I am, writing with perfect punctuation and capitalization. Ugh, I have no friends. Well, I have a few, but only a few guys. That's because I'm home schooled, and I don't think I wanna go out of homeschooling, but I don't know. High school sounds so scary, ya know? And also, I keep on worrying about my birth mom. I'm adopted, and my birth mom is out there somewhere, and I'm so worried about her. Do you think she believes in God? I hope she does, cause I don't want her to go to hell! That's one of my worst fears. I'm also scared of dying alone. With no husband or family, I don't want to be alone, because death is scary for me even though I know I'm going to Heaven because I believe in God. Also, I go to youth group every Sunday night, and I really like this guy but I don't think he likes me. He brought this cheerleader with him last Sunday, I don't know if he did it to make me jealous or what, but it worked, because I am a jealous wreck. I think I'm just going to ignore him though and see if he starts liking me then. He probably won't. Do you think I should make this a blog post? Maybe I should, because I don't know what else to write for a blog post. Nothings been happening here where I live. Indiana is a boring state. I want to move to Japan. I guess this email won't only be for venting, but also so that you can get to know me more, because I think you want to be my friend, right? Wow, my hands hurt from all of this typing, but I have to keep typing so I don't loose it. You know how I have guinea pigs? Well whenever I touch one of them on the legs she bites me. Is that normal? I don't know if that is. I want to take her to the vet, but economy has been bad in the USA for awhile. I hope Obama can fix that. But why don't we just print more money? That would make things allot easier, ya know? Jeez, people are gonna think that this isn't an email because it's so put together. I can't believe it''s this put together! This is my longest email I've EVER written. This venting is helping by the way, I love you so much if you've read through this whole thing.
Gosh my hands are hurting so bad. I think I'm gonna have to stop. I think I might send this to some of my other friends too...well, bye!
I know it's weird I made that a post, but I guess it's OK as well...Hey and guys, can you tell me something? Is this website slow on your computer? If it is, tell me so I can fix it up, cause I don't want it to be slow. And just to let you guys know, I have severe anxiety, so I worry about things like that. It gets kinda annoying at times. I also have depression issues and sleep issues. And some other issues as well, but I won't go into those. Sorry I'm making this post even longer by rambling, but I've been so stressed out lately. Sorry for wasting your time if you found this blog post revolting, but if you liked it, I LOVE YOU!!!! Goodnight...God loves you!

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The more you look in the mirror, the more your going to be asking yourself, "Why can't I be more beautiful?"

This picture looks so good with my blog. Am I right?
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I do that allot. I look in the mirror, studying my face, and pointing out the imperfections. I have to remind myself constantly that God made me for who I was, and no matter what anyone else thinks, God thinks I'm beautiful. It's so hard to shove the thoughts out of my mind though. All of the "What ifs" always squeeze themselves into my thoughts. "What if I was Taylor Swift? What if I was beautiful like her? Why didn't God make me like her?" I found something out...in this world, we strive for beauty. And that's all the world wants. Beauty and perfection, but really it's just computer airbrushing and fake photo's. So when you look in a magazine, you see this model with a perfect face. But God didn't make her that way. The computer did. We all have imperfections because we sin. We aren't perfect, and never will be until we get to Heaven. But the things that teenagers have to deal with is so stupid, and really rough. If you don't have the perfect clothes or the perfect phone, if your wearing or doing something that isn't in your gonna get criticized. Sorry I'm being really religious on this post (There's nothing wrong with God talk...) I've just got allot on my mind. Do any of you feel like you have this voice in your head that's good, and one that's bad? Well I have that...I think everyone does, some people just don't pay attention to the voice. I think my conscious is the Holy Spirit, and the bad voice in my head is the devil. (BTW My consciouses name is Meli...my bad one is Edward.) I think that the good voice in my head is my way of talking to God. Do you think that's what it is? I hope it is...because I've been feeling so disconnected from Him. It's like He's not even listening to me. I'm not getting any feedback. Do you think there's a time in your life when God ignores you to see if your loyal to Him? It says nothing about that in the Bible. So I don't think He would ignore us at all. He loves us...I remember when I was about 10, I had this crazy idea that maybe God made me by mistake. I was so upset, (Mostly because I just started have my first period's and that is a BAD time to mess with me) and I felt so alone. I remember I didn't have that many friends too...I also used to be fat. But then I took a certain type of medicine and lost WAY TOO MUCH weight. I was almost underweight. but I've gained a few pounds back (Yaaay, and I'm still skinny! I never wanna go in the fat lane again!) But I still am very self-conscious. But most girls are theses days. They wonder if they are pretty enough, or if there's something that could make them prettier. (That's why makeup is flying of the shelves at Wal-Mart) I'm still going through the makeup stage...hey and what do you all think of Obama? I think he's OK...the only thing I don't like about him is that he thinks abortion is OK...have I already mentioned that? Well..it's late...Goodnight...

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Do therapists really help? Or do they just remind you of your problems?

Will I ever stop using this picture? Tell me if it bores you. ^_^
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Have you ever thought about that? Do therapists really help? None of you probably know this, but I'm adopted. And my birth mom's therapist wasn't a big help. She made me angry. And I think I hurt my mom. But anyways, this question bothered me yesterday. I have a therapist and he's OK, but I still don't feel entirely comfortable around him. Maybe that's something I have to grow into. And you know how I talked about eyeliner in my last post? (Or the post before that, I don't know...) Well I put ALLOT on, and I've been going to youth group like that for the last few weeks. And people sorda avoided me. But then I went to youth group one day with only brown eyeshadow on and a small line of eyeliner, and people were lot nicer to me. I even made a few more friends! One of them is named Brock, and he kept of offering to sit next to me. It was really sweet of him, so when he had to leave for a guy-only sleepover, I gave him a big hug!! (LOL I just had too) he looked really surprised and sorda (awkwardly) hugged me back and sorda laughed. HHAHAHAHA. Why am I telling you all of this? And my mom always reads my blog posts so when she's done reading this (Hi Mom!) she's gonna be all like "O my Gosh Ethie, your waaaaaaaaay too young for boys, don't go up hugging people like that!! AHHHHHHH!!!" Hmm....theres not really much to say...Well I went to this cool video game store, and they have MILLIONS of games and CD'S. but most of the CD'S were country, and I don't really like country. Well, exept for Taylor Swift. I don't really like Billy Ray Cyrus. The sound of his voice isn't appealing to me that much, I don't know why. I also like FM Static, (The BEST band ever!!) and Reliant K...but you can read all about that on my profile. Geez I'm probably boring you guys to death. Hey comment me if you like cheese!! O my gosh do any of you like Taco Bell? They are sooo yummy. But one time I got a bean burrito and I said NO ONIONS but they put them in there anyway and it was so gross. My stomach was churning, seriously. LOL My brother's watching Spongebob right now while I'm writing my posts. I still like Spongbob, it doesn't matter how old you are, Spongebob is for everyone! Well...I better close up for now..This is probably one of my not-better-posts....it's more boring so sorry...well bye!

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Don't strive to be what your not. Strivers only end up being a fake that no one looks up to.

I know I used the same picture again, I just like this pic. ;) _Handprint_
ARRRGGGG!!!!!!! *$#!*&%#@&^!!!!!! I'm sorry. I'm so ANGRY!!! My Internet shut down right when I was in the middle of my extremely long blog post so I'm pretty ****** of right now. OK.....Ugh stupid computer why did you fail me!!?? *Jabs computer with fork* Geez now I have to remember all that I was saying. Ummm....Well I was thinking about Majora's Mask...it's this new game that I got and I love it to death. And I'm not a video game type person. Like I can't even get through the simplest of games like Mario. And I'm TERRIBLE at following instructions, so the video game guides don't do a whole lot for me. Ok the full title of this game is: The Legend Of Zelda: Majora's Mask...it's a really fun game, the only part I don't like about it is that they time you cuse you only have 3 days (video game time) to get all of the masks and songs and defeat all of the monsters and so forth. And I hate it when things or people or ANYTHING times me when I'm doing something. I can be very fast, I AM fast, but just not when I don't know what to do, which happens allot. Especially when I'm video gaming. And another thing; I absolutely HATE people who call people nerds just cuse they play video games and are good at it. Just if someone plays video games day and night, 24/7, not seeing sunlight for more then a few months, that doesn't mean that their a nerd. it means they have serious problems, but their not nerds. I hate name calling. Maybe that might be mostly because I was name called throughout most of my elementary school life, I don't know. But it's just mean. (And for the record, people name called me cuse they thought I was weird.) Nerd is probably the most meanest names ever, cuse when someone calls you that, you strive to be cool and you don't act like yourself. And the more harder you try to be cool, the less popular you'll probably get, cuse everyone will think your a fake. And don't you all HATE preps? Their so annoying! They think their better then everyone else, but really, their just the same like us. It matters not what's on the outside, but the inside is what counts. Wow I sound like an old lady.
BTW: I know I used the same picture again, I just like it so much. ;)

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Hide Your Pain So The World Won't See It

Hmm...I'm thinking about writing another story...but I don't know what it's gonna be about. Maybe I might switch to poetry. I have some good poems I could share...I guess their good...Hey isn't this pic good? I wish when I was crying my make up wold look that cool, you know, going down my face all blue and pretty. Hey and can someone really use too much eyeliner? I don't think you really can If your looking for the emo affect. I wear allot of eyeliner ( and I look really emo, but that's what I want to look like) and mascara, and I have this really kewl black eyeshadow (BLEH BUT I'M ALMOST OUT) Lol today I'm wearing my eyeliner, some mascara, and this blue eyeshadow...I think I look better with all black...my mom doesn't think so though (ugh) Anyway....geez i'm so bored I HAVE NOTHING TO DO!!!! Hey, and does my blog look too childish? Like, does it look my age? Just wondering, I've been thinking about that lately...Ugh anyway....I might no post for awhile cuse I've been sorda busy lately with school...hey and by the way, you guys probably don't know, but I'm home schooled. Hey, and comment me if you think my story that I wrote (See-It-Believe-It-Consequences) could be published. My mom thinks it's too dark (MOM!!!!!!!!! ARRGGGGHHH!!!!!) but if you like it could you follow it? also if you like this blog, feel free to follow it too...I like seeing people following my blog...it makes me feel good inside LOL...why did I put lol? That wasn't even funny. You know, people tend to do that. Say lol when nothings funny, and even when their not laughing out loud. We have a bad habit of doing that. I really hate the thing "TISNF" That is so not fair. It's so preppy and annoying! I like LOL better...I actually use it allot more then I should...but don't we all? Hey and are any of you fans of Katy Perry? Well her sngs are disgusting. I wouldn't guess that she's a Christian (I'm not judging!) but the lyrics in her songs are totally wack. Their really messed up...I also like Fall Out Boy, but sometimes they get a little edgy...Reliant K and FM Static are OK...they are a Christian band, and I feel really comfortable listening to them. Taylor Swift is also good...

I'm Stuck, I Feel Alone, I Feel Like Peanut Butter

Isn't she so FAT!!?? I'm sorry you guys, I've been posting alot about guinea pigs lately, but nothings really been going on. I've also been so depressed lately. I had a mental breakdown in my room the other day and I almost cut myself again....I don't know what to do, it's so tempting...but then I thought about this boy named Tobi at my youth group, and I remember he kept on looking at my arms. I really like him too, and I didn't want him to know I cut, cuse I didn't want him to think that I'm creepy or anything. But anyways, whenever I think of Tobi I don't want to cut, he makes me feel so good about myself. Also I made a friend named Noah, and he's made me feel alot better. Also my bf Jared has helped me too...I've just felt so alone. Like I stay in my room for hours just thinking, I get so upset sometimes...UGH BLEH BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEH BLABIDIDOODAH LABIDIDOODAH BLEH HAHAHA Ok, i'm gonna tel all of you something, but you have to promise not to judge. Ok, I made this thing called a misery page awhile ago, and I wrote tons of stuff on it, and smeared my blood on it from cutting. I know, gross, but still...well I gotta go....BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok This Is One Of My More Serious Posts. Because I Have A Serious Matter.

Adorable, isn't she? I wuv her so much! OK...I have alot to tell, but I'm not posting this so you can judge me, so all you judgementals, LEAVE THE PAGE! Alright...I cut. See on the picture? Yea, those are my cuts. If you are thinking about cutting you'd better not try it. It's nothing but destruction. In the beginning, yea it might feel cool. You might feel mighty, cause o my gosh! I'm so brave doing this to myself! But...Your not brave. Your STUPID. Stupid, stupid, stupid! It causes nothing but fear, despair, and pain. Also for the others around you. Dude, cutting is WAY not cool, no matter what anyone says. If someone told you that jumping off building was the new in, would you do it? If you were mental, yea you might. But you aren't mental. So slap yourself, tell someone about your problem, and STOP. I'm serious. I'm watching you. And I'm not the only one. God is too.

Ummmm ooook....a fishy can't die from thirst!!! HAHAHAHAHA if you didn't know that, your future is filled with sadness and despair...no I'm joking...your just dumb. :P FOLLOW ME TO LALA LAND!! Da duuduu doo du Da duuduu doo du OH ya are you following me? LOL me and my brother made that up. Sean says hi!!!! HAHAHAHAH we would take the guinea pig and make her do a victory dance cuse she's goin to LaLa land!! EVERYONE FOLLOW ME TO LALA LAND!!! Nah you don't have to have to. YES YOU DO!!! Jared follow us to Lala land!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! Ok ok...ummmm.....I lost my train of thought....CHOOOO CHOOOO hahahahahaha my brothers reading this as I type it and he thinks I'm funny....DO YOOOOOU THINK IM FUUUUNY!!?? If you said no...I KNOW WHERE YOU SLEEP I WILL COME AND GET YOU AND PLACE A BOMB NEXT TO YOUR HEAD SO IN THE MORNING YOUR HEAD WILL EXPLODE!!!!! Ooooooya.....That's what Santa Clause does when he says he's watchen you...making bombs so he can blow you up. OOOOOOOO YAAAAAAAAAAA I LIKE CHEEEEESE!!!!!!!! AND BURRITO'S!!!!! Heh heh heh....the stalking burrito will come and get you....GET EM BOYS!!!!! *my gummy bear army comes after you...*
ABCDEFG THE GUMMY BEARS ARE AFTER ME ONE IS RED ONE IS BLUE THE YELLOW ONE JUST STOLE ME SHOE!! WHEN I CATCH HIM I WILL SUE THEN I WILL GET BACK TO YOU!!! YOU'D BETTER NOT COPY THAT COPIERS!!! I WILL DESTROY YOU ALLLLLLLL!!!!!

Don't Read This Unless You Are Mature...And If You Don't Laugh When It Comes To Religion

Why do we ((sleep)) in [[church]], But stay ((awake) through a [[3 hour movie]]? Why is it so ((hard)) to talk about [[God]], but so ((easy)) to talk about [[sex]]? Why are we so ((bored)) when we look at a [[Christian magazine]], but find it ((easy)) to read [[Playboy]]? Why is it so easy to ((ignore)) a [[Godly]] myspace bulletin, Yet we ((repost)) the [[nasty]] ones? Why are ((churches)) getting [[smaller]], But ((bars and clubs)) are [[expanding]]? Why is it so easy to purchase {beer} and {drugs}? But so hard to donate 25 cents for a {Charity}? Why is it so easy to worship a {Celebrity}? But very difficult to engage with {God}? Think about it, are you going to repost this? Are you going to ignore it, cause you think you'll get laughed at? Repost this as "Dont read if ur immature ....seriously." 80 % of you wont repost this. The Lord said: If you deny Me in front of your friends, I will deny you in front of My Father . So post this. DO IT!!!